Forgive. I can always find it in my heart to forgive, but never forget.

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I hate being compared to other people, but I allow it to happen.

(A brief explanation. Seriously, this is about as brief as it gets.)

I'm a technical theatre kid- and I get compared to everyone else in the damn program. It deeply bothers me, and I never feel like I am good enough at what I do because I'm being compared and I compare myself to other people. Eventually you learn to deal with the pressure of it all. You also learn to deal with the "I'm not good enough..." feeling. You cry, you sleep on it, and then you make peace with it. I've almost perfected the "make peace with it" thing. (Note: It's way easier to make peace with it when you are friends with the person, rather than when it's the kid that everybody hates. . .) This happened to me just the other day. My director refuses to release our positions, or rather my position, and there are three others that have already gotten their jobs.

At certain points in time I haven't been able to deal with comparisons. My freshman year of high school almost killed me. High school wasn't bad, it was involvement in theatre. I worked long hours on weekends and worked every show possible. I began to wonder if another school would be different, but our theatre program was one of the better ones, and had a large tech program. (Earlier in the year we had worked with another high school and they had around three techs and no visible program.) Everyone seemed to excel except for me. I couldn't take it. I was depressed and in a rut. I had friends abandon me because I was depressed. I wanted out so badly.


The story doesn't stop there.


My story actually has a happy ending. I had theatre kids that stuck with me. I won't go individually one by one, but I had people that reassured me, noticed when I was visibly upset, shared food, hung out with, upperclassmen that would drive places, exc. Thespain Initiation was in May. I felt bad because I wasn't the highest freshman, but that was beyond my control. I had also only earned one star.(I should go from one star and bypass two, three, and four star levels to Honor Bar this May.) I felt like I belonged for once, like my hard work had actually paid off.

By the end of my freshman year, I was still depressed, but looked back on all of these things. I had lost many friends, but gained amazing new ones. I attended the International Thespian Festival in Nebraska for a week in June. I felt like I belonged once again, and it was encouraging to perform in a theatre like The Lied. I was slowly getting better.

I can honestly say at this point that I think I can take another year of the "I'm not good enough..." feeling. I've been so much happier this year, and I've really improved emotionally. I've had a better experience, and gained better friends.

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